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  Van Helsing
Director: Stephen Sommers Plot: Van Helsing is sent to Transylvania to try and vanquish Dracula and his brides. On arrival he meets a beautiful, yet feisty, young lady and readies himself to battle the Wolf man, Frankenstein's monster and Dracula. However, all is not as it seems and soon Van Helsing stumbles upon a bigger plot which he must stop.
Writer: Stephen Sommers
Starring: Hugh Jackman
  Kate Beckinsale
Richard Roxburgh
Genre:

Action

 Cert:

Critic -

Review:

 

 

 

 I had read differing reviews of Van Helsing before viewing the movie, and therefore my expectations were more or less none. Even expecting less than nothing I couldn't help leaving with a tinge of disappointment. The most noticeable flaw with this "blockbuster" is the incredibly clichéd and flaccid script. Not managing to rise above anything better than absurdly crap, it is peppered with dialog that made me weep with laughter.
Unfortunately that was at the poignant moments in the movie. Accompanying the script in mire of disaster was the story, surely written not actually by Stephen Sommers, but a blind dyslexic chinchilla. Plot wise, this film is about as exciting and inventive as an Eastenders omnibus, centring around Dracula's attempts to bring his baby bats to life by harnessing lightning through Frankenstein's monster. I could go into more detail, but the thought of doing so fills me with fear, plus I am trying to repress as much as I can.

On the acting scale, I would love to say the film rises, but I would be lying. Jackman, I have read, is a fantastic actor, yet manages to portray Van Helsing as a below par Wolverine, except with far better hair conditioner. He certainly needs a new agent, or he will follow the path best left alone, Van Damme alley. Wooden would be one description, disinterested another. Just picking up a pay packet eh Mr Jackman, come back when you give a sh!t. It's disappointing as I see him in the same league as Russell Crowe, except Mr Crowe takes interesting and challenging roles. Beckinsale certainly makes nice window dressing, but lacks any conviction or charisma. She manages to have an ever wavering accent that strays between German and Russian, via several small Eastern European countries. The cream of the crop, however, is Roxburgh, who hams Dracula up to monstrous (see what I did there?) proportions. I couldn't help but laugh at his ridiculous delivery as he tried to threaten and dominate. My mother scares me more.

On top of all these flaws is another complaint. CGI. It has it's place, creating landscapes, armies and beasties. But, and I must emphasise my but here, it does not have a place instead of stunts. I remember back in the day when stunts such as jumping between horses and off of buildings was done by a guy who had more brawn than brains. A CGI Hugh Jackman jumping around a horse and cart does nothing for me, and should not appear again. Bring back some good, old fashioned stuntmen who enjoy nothing more than being broken.

All in all this film made me laugh to ridiculous proportions, and I damn near wet myself. The annoying thing is, it wasn't meant to . Stephen Sommers, after the mediocrity of the Mummy films, has managed to ruin yet another film with endless and fantastic prospects. Shame on him, may he never work in that town again!!